


A Universal Hate

by Sage (Thhartokk)



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Cherub Mating, Cherub Porn, Crack Pairing, In Which A Human And A Cherub Turn Into Giant Snakes And Fuck, Indestructible Snake Sex, Other, Seriously this is an ON crack pairing, i am so so sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-10
Updated: 2013-03-10
Packaged: 2017-12-04 21:39:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 953
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/715385
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Thhartokk/pseuds/Sage
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>hello everyone! ^.^! this is my first attempt at friend-fiction. i hope i got all the details right!<br/>-UU</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Universal Hate

The thing about sweat is that after a certain point there’s no place for sweat to go. This is the disjointed thought that attacked a certain Dirk Strider on a hot (all the days were hot now, the climate had been all but destroyed in the wake of the Batterwitch’s invasion) summer (maybe?? How can we tell the season if there’s no weather to compare it to?) day (as the sun still existed, this was still verifiable).  With no method of refrigeration strong enough to justify sticking his head or entire body into, he was left with two options- another cold shower (any more of those and he’d use up all the cold water. Besides, he’d already had three. Today.) or attempting to distract himself with some other occupation. He dragged himself to his computer, but he had no sooner taken his seat than a Pesterchum message began to dance along the screen.

                Dirk brightened, a patented “Strider-smile” (one pixel, right side of the mouth) breaking out across his face. Of course, this quickly was erased when he saw who- or, from his perspective, what- was pestering him. And so it was without smile that Dirk opened up the window to undyingUmbrage’s chat,  a single thought breaking through his sweat-addled brain. _This asshole._

undyingUmbrage [uu] is now jeering timaeusTestified [TT] !

uu: I THINK IT IS TIME. FOR YOu AND ME.

uu: TO PLAY.

uu: ANOTHER GAME.

TT: Oh sweet kicking christ in a handbasket not this shit again.

TT: I have half a mind to just leave my shades here to deal with you.

TT: Seriously, I ain't got time for this shit today. It's too damned hot.

 

uu: HA. HA. HA. SuuuuuRE. WHATEVER YOu SAY.

uu: ...

 

TT: ...

 It was the sweat. That’s why he was still logged in. Perfectly reasonable answer. He was sweating too much, and his finger had slipped off the login button. Definitely not the rage boiling deep in his chest, threatening to spill over, a veritable black torrent underneath his fleshy skin.

uu: ...

 

TT: ...?

 

uu: IF YOu ARE GOING TO INSuLT ME. SO MuCH. WHY ARE YOu STILL HERE.

uu: WOuLD IT NOT MAKE. MORE SENSE. TO LEAVE.

 It really did. Just remove yourself from the problem, Dirk. But no, for some strange reason he stayed behind.

TT: Maybe it's the sweat or something.

TT: It's so goddamn hot up in here. So hot it's like a...

TT: A...

TT: I can't even think of a good metaphor, that's how hot it is.

uu: THIS MuST BE. THE BEGINNING OF THAT HuMAN EMOTION. YOu CALL LOVE.

 TT: What.

uu: I CAN SEE IT ALL NOW. SO BEAuTIFuL.

uu: SOON WE WILL BE. HOLDING HANDS.

uu: CuuuuuDDLING.

uu: HA. HA. HA.

TT: Man, no.

TT: Fuck that, and fuck you. This is not what love is.

TT: This is...

TT: This has gotta be hate.

TT: Yeah, I'm hating on you like a dog hates on a cat.

 The sweat still clouded his rational thought. It was too hot for this. Dirk wiped the sweat from his brow, clearly agitated.

uu: THOSE ARE. SuCH. SALACIOuS WORD SOuNDS.

uu: TELL ME MORE.

TT: I hate you like...

TT: I'm hating on you like Robert Pattinson hates Twilight.

 A vicious hate indeed. There was no comeback. Only escalation.

uu: OH

uu: WHERE CAN WE

 TT: V4641 Sagittarii. Be there.

timaeusTestified [TT] disconnected.

He didn’t wait for a reply. Instead he ran off towards the roof, sprinting up the stairs, pausing only to retrieve his sword. He glared up at the now vicious heat wave from the sun. Soon it wouldn’t matter. The heat on his skin wasn’t the worst of the heat now, his feelings of hate generating the sweat more efficiently than any sun could ever hope to match. He vaulted off the roof, spreading his wings wide, catching an updraft of earthly air before finally using the full brunt of his power to shoot himself skyward, faster than even the speed of light.

He reached the black hole only 253 short years later. As he had expected, his chat partner had arrived there first. They didn’t need a word, their hatred speaking for itself. The transformation began immediately.

Dirk’s body writhed behind him as he extended to his true length, assuming the traditional mating position. His sunglasses had grown too, whispering their words of encouragement. Though barely heard through the depths of space, their advice would be absolutely critical in the coming engagement. Caliborn was done with his morphing a fraction of a second before Dirk, and used that advantage to lunge at him. Dirk managed to dodge at the last second, peeling away from the vicious cherub’s attacks.

They were locked in their struggle for ages, a near-permanent fixture in paradox space. There would be advantages to either side, for a time. Dirk managed to snag a tooth on Caliborn’s cloaca, causing a frantic rush to defend. Caliborn managed to get Dirk in a knot, and smashed his glasses. The roar with rage could be heard three systems over, and is venerated as religion on some planets.

Finally, after what seemed to be an eon of torturous combat, each ones hate burning hotter with every passing moment, Dirk had the upper hand. He entered Caliborn quickly and decisively, not waiting for a moment to press his advantage. There was a burning surge- of triumph, failure, and also gallons of indestructible snake semen. Dirk smiled, his body slowly morphing back to its original form. Caliborn roared his displeasure, his genetic material mixing and melding with those of Dirk. Eventually, the egg would be released onto a broken planet known only as Alternia. And then, the real adventure would begin…

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Oh sweet christ I'm sorry I wrote this


End file.
